from Thirteen to Eternity


     Say "Hello" to little 13 year old me. Besides a few acne problems she looks like she has it all together doesn't she? That's exactly what I wanted everyone to think of me. I was a straight A student who cried if she got anything below a 93%, I was a personal therapist to my friends, I was known for always smiling, and I was an all-around people-pleaser. I defined myself by those things and I was in constant fear of falling short of the expectations that myself and others had set for me. Most of this fear came from my "best friend" of 11 years who was mentally and physically abusive.  This friend of mine had gained so much control in my life by the time I had turned 12 that I had no idea what I actually liked and disliked. Most of the time I was just confused and I felt lost; however, I was too afraid to find out my actual likes and dislikes because that could have displeased my friend. It was also around this time that most of my self-worth came from whether or not the guy I liked reciprocated that interest. And well, I wasn't a popular girl so any guys who seemed to like me only did for a short period of time until they left me feeling ugly and unworthy of love. When my 13th birthday rolled around I had felt completely lost, unlovable, and insecure. The questions "Who am I?" and "Why am I even here?" crossed my mind a lot those days. I wished I could disappear.
     Then September 3rd, 2008 came around, it was my first day of 8th grade. I was still trapped in an abusive friendship that I was afraid to leave. I believed that if I stopped being friends with her that I would lose all of my friends. That day I was stressed out with new classes, in a new building, and already dealing with a lot of drama that I had apparently missed over the summer. And on top of that my Grandma Shawl had been bugging me to try out the youth group at her church all summer and I'd finally agreed to go. 
     To this day I have never regretted that decision. I'm so thankful that I gave up my stubbornness and went to church because that night I met Jesus and He has been radically changing my life ever since! I thank God all the time for using my grandma, Pastor Matt, and Mrs. Pflederer to bring me to Him.
     Seven years later and I'm now 20 years old. This walk with Jesus has been full of ups and downs and plenty of times when I've wanted to give up. And there have been times when I thought God would give up on me, but God is always faithful and I see that everyday in the changes that have happened in my life. I stopped swearing by my freshman year of high school and had started sharing my faith with my friends. By my sophomore year I'd had the courage to tell all of my close, unsaved friends about Jesus. Also that year I walked away from the abusive friendship and began the long healing process. That relationship caused me a lot of social anxiety which I discovered my junior year of high school. I still struggle with it every day, especially now that I am back in school, but it is forcing me to lean more on God's strength. I've realized that I can't handle it on my own and I need to place it in His capable hands. 
     And probably the best thing yet is that after I was completely heartbroken by B and had lost all sense of self-worth, God was still there and He had a plan for it all. I have finally placed my self-worth in Christ. My worth is no longer dependent on what people say about me, but rather what God says about me and I am His treasured possession. This change has helped me to form positive, healthy relationships. I know who I am now and I am able to share my passions and interests with friends who love me for who God has created me to be. My friends are some of the most encouraging people on the planet and I am so thankful for them. I have even been blessed with an awesome, godly boyfriend. In my moments of insecurity he always points me to Jesus and what He thinks of me before anything else and makes sure that I am keeping my self-worth rooted in Christ rather than in him. 
     I am so thankful for God's sovereignty because I know that He is the one who intricately planned out how to get me through all of the difficult times and strategically placed people in my life to make me laugh and to encourage me when I needed it the most. I am thankful that He's given me a passion for ministry and I can't wait to see His plan unfold when I go to Moody to major in Women's Ministry. I am also excited to start mentoring a 7th grade girl who is very dear to my heart and I can't wait to see how God uses her to expand His kingdom, I know He's got big plans for her!
     Jesus, I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for saving me and never giving up on me. I can't wait to spend the rest of eternity learning more about you and drawing near to you. I love you! Amen.

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