The Start of A Journey
What I'm about to share is very difficult for me to talk or write about; however, I know that God wouldn't allow anything to happen to me that wouldn't be used for His glory. I've struggled to find the purpose of this situation until I started praying about this blog, I love to write and I think this is the best way that I can use my struggles and how God is working in me to help others who may find themselves in a similar situation. I'm not writing this to get pity or anything like that, I'm writing this so that maybe even one person can be changed by it. God has a plan for this and I am completely willing to let him use me.
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
So it all started this summer when I started to really like this boy that I have known for a while. We will call him "B" (for boy). B was a new Christian at the time and he had been showing interest in me. Eventually he told me he liked me and I told him that I liked him. We started to talk more and more, he would call me "cutie" and send me good morning and good night text messages. I felt like I was on top of the world, I've never had a serious relationship and the last guy who had acted this way toward me ditched me after three days. As the conversations turned more towards our futures I realized that we were going in completely separate directions and I started to doubt if being in a relationship was a good idea. When I brought up the boundaries that I wanted to have he was upset by how strict they were. I only wanted hand holding and hugs, at least until we were together for a while and then maybe I would be okay with kissing. B was not so conservative with boundaries, he would have been fine with doing everything that could get as close to having sex as possible without actually having sex. After that conversation I told him that I wasn't sure it was going to work out and we didn't talk for about a month and a half. He sent me a text one day apologizing and saying that he was wrong and would respect my boundaries and respect my decision to stay pure until marriage. I forgave him and once again said that maybe we could date. He started flirting with me, telling me that I was beautiful, saying that he couldn't imagine being with anyone else, etc. B told me he loved me, and to me that meant everything. All I had ever wanted was to be loved...yeah I was saved, but I wasn't satisfied with God's love, I was far too preoccupied with wanting to be loved by people. I was back on Cloud Nine and because of that I put my worth in B. And in that moment it felt like a good thing to do because he made me feel like I was worth everything to him. Things started to get more serious and he was going to ask my dad if he could date me. Just thinking about dating him gave me anxiety (something I have been struggling with for 2 1/2 years now). I was so anxious about needing to be the perfect girlfriend that I backed out of the relationship. B was mad at me and felt like I was just playing with his feelings. I apologized profusely and told him exactly how anxious I felt and that I didn't know if I could handle that stress on top of also starting college. That happened at the end of the summer.
A few weeks later he texted me. He was trying to be casual but I knew that there was something that he wanted to say so I asked him what he was thinking, and to this day I regret asking because I really did not want to know. He told me how he had been looking at pornography again and that he wanted to stop (which is great, don't get me wrong, it's what he said next that tore me apart). He said that it started to get bad when he did some things with another girl, and that when I backed out of the relationship the first time his addiction got worse. And then he said that it got even worse after I backed out the second time. I was so mad when I first read it and almost burst out laughing when he asked if I would be his accountability partner. All I could think was how absurd it was that he would ask me to be his accountability partner when 1. I'm a girl and he's a boy and accountability partners don't work that way and 2. he just said that I'm the reason his addiction to porn got worse. After I was done being mad and started to think about and re-read what he wrote I just became broken. I thought about everything that I had done, said, and worn around him to see if there was anything I did that could make it my fault. I thought that it was my fault, that maybe I dressed too immodestly and that had led him to looking at porn. It didn't take me too long to realize that it wasn't my fault, thankfully. However, I was still broken...basically what B told me was that he had been looking at porn the entire time he had been telling me he loved me and making me feel special and making me feel beautiful. And because I had wrapped up all of my self-worth in him, he so easily took it away. In one simple text message. I have no idea if he meant to hurt me or blame me for his addiction to pornography, I have barely talked to him or seen him since this. All I know is that any sense of self-worth was taken away and my self-esteem was lower than it has ever been.
All that I could think about for over a month was how B chose those girls that I could never compare to over me. All I could think was that I truly meant nothing to him and that if I was worthless to him than I was probably worthless to everyone. I know that I don't look anything like the girls that he was looking at and I never will so all that I could think about was how ugly and how fat I was. For a while I had to force myself to eat because I didn't want to eat...I was fat enough so why did I need to eat more food?
I am so thankful that God has blessed me with 4 wonderful friends that I was able to tell this to. Each one of them encouraged me and reminded me of my beauty and my worth in God. I won't call them out by name because they know who they are and that's all that matters. If it weren't for them allowing God to use them in my life I'm pretty sure that I would not be writing this right now...I would probably be extremely depressed, on the verge of an eating disorder, and a number of other things that my distressed heart wanted to turn to. But they constantly remind me to turn to Jesus and let Him take care of me.
I am not to where I want to be in my self-worth or self-esteem, there are many days that I feel worthless and don't want to look in the mirror because I know that all I am going to see are flaws. But I know that brighter days are ahead. God has pulled me through this much and He's not going to stop now.
The turning point for me was when I bought a book called "His Treasure" by Sheri Rose Shepherd, on one of the first pages is the verse Deuteronomy 14:2 "Out of all of the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession." Just think about that for a moment..."the Lord has chosen YOU to be his TREASURED POSSESSION."
If you are struggling with your self-image or self-worth you are not alone and you are loved by the God of the universe. I know that it's hard for you to see but you are a treasured possession in the eyes of God. This blog is going to be dedicated to finding worth in Jesus Christ. This is a journey that I am going through and I would love for you to go through it with me, it's going to be tough but together and with the strength of God we will get through it and one day we will believe that we are Jesus' most treasured possession without a shadow of a doubt...and I so look forward to that.
I'm going to end with a few pieces of a prayer that I wrote in my journal. A prayer to start this journey of finding beauty and worth. If your heart is breaking feel free to use this prayer if you can't find the words to cry out to God, I know that I go back to this prayer over and over again.
" Lord, I spend all my time fighting these endless battles and I fight back tears but I can't do it anymore. God, I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to fight. If I keep fighting, I will lose. You know that and now so do I. Now I'm surrendering. I'm telling you I can't because I know that You can. I need you to carry me through this and calm the storms otherwise I'm going to drown...I'm giving you my life, Jesus, it is shattered, but I believe that You will make it new again...I have determination to become the woman that you created me to be, no matter how long it takes to see my beauty and worth. Thank you for loving me even when I am very unlovable. Thank you for dying on the cross for me, all because you love me. Amen."
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
So it all started this summer when I started to really like this boy that I have known for a while. We will call him "B" (for boy). B was a new Christian at the time and he had been showing interest in me. Eventually he told me he liked me and I told him that I liked him. We started to talk more and more, he would call me "cutie" and send me good morning and good night text messages. I felt like I was on top of the world, I've never had a serious relationship and the last guy who had acted this way toward me ditched me after three days. As the conversations turned more towards our futures I realized that we were going in completely separate directions and I started to doubt if being in a relationship was a good idea. When I brought up the boundaries that I wanted to have he was upset by how strict they were. I only wanted hand holding and hugs, at least until we were together for a while and then maybe I would be okay with kissing. B was not so conservative with boundaries, he would have been fine with doing everything that could get as close to having sex as possible without actually having sex. After that conversation I told him that I wasn't sure it was going to work out and we didn't talk for about a month and a half. He sent me a text one day apologizing and saying that he was wrong and would respect my boundaries and respect my decision to stay pure until marriage. I forgave him and once again said that maybe we could date. He started flirting with me, telling me that I was beautiful, saying that he couldn't imagine being with anyone else, etc. B told me he loved me, and to me that meant everything. All I had ever wanted was to be loved...yeah I was saved, but I wasn't satisfied with God's love, I was far too preoccupied with wanting to be loved by people. I was back on Cloud Nine and because of that I put my worth in B. And in that moment it felt like a good thing to do because he made me feel like I was worth everything to him. Things started to get more serious and he was going to ask my dad if he could date me. Just thinking about dating him gave me anxiety (something I have been struggling with for 2 1/2 years now). I was so anxious about needing to be the perfect girlfriend that I backed out of the relationship. B was mad at me and felt like I was just playing with his feelings. I apologized profusely and told him exactly how anxious I felt and that I didn't know if I could handle that stress on top of also starting college. That happened at the end of the summer.
A few weeks later he texted me. He was trying to be casual but I knew that there was something that he wanted to say so I asked him what he was thinking, and to this day I regret asking because I really did not want to know. He told me how he had been looking at pornography again and that he wanted to stop (which is great, don't get me wrong, it's what he said next that tore me apart). He said that it started to get bad when he did some things with another girl, and that when I backed out of the relationship the first time his addiction got worse. And then he said that it got even worse after I backed out the second time. I was so mad when I first read it and almost burst out laughing when he asked if I would be his accountability partner. All I could think was how absurd it was that he would ask me to be his accountability partner when 1. I'm a girl and he's a boy and accountability partners don't work that way and 2. he just said that I'm the reason his addiction to porn got worse. After I was done being mad and started to think about and re-read what he wrote I just became broken. I thought about everything that I had done, said, and worn around him to see if there was anything I did that could make it my fault. I thought that it was my fault, that maybe I dressed too immodestly and that had led him to looking at porn. It didn't take me too long to realize that it wasn't my fault, thankfully. However, I was still broken...basically what B told me was that he had been looking at porn the entire time he had been telling me he loved me and making me feel special and making me feel beautiful. And because I had wrapped up all of my self-worth in him, he so easily took it away. In one simple text message. I have no idea if he meant to hurt me or blame me for his addiction to pornography, I have barely talked to him or seen him since this. All I know is that any sense of self-worth was taken away and my self-esteem was lower than it has ever been.
All that I could think about for over a month was how B chose those girls that I could never compare to over me. All I could think was that I truly meant nothing to him and that if I was worthless to him than I was probably worthless to everyone. I know that I don't look anything like the girls that he was looking at and I never will so all that I could think about was how ugly and how fat I was. For a while I had to force myself to eat because I didn't want to eat...I was fat enough so why did I need to eat more food?
I am so thankful that God has blessed me with 4 wonderful friends that I was able to tell this to. Each one of them encouraged me and reminded me of my beauty and my worth in God. I won't call them out by name because they know who they are and that's all that matters. If it weren't for them allowing God to use them in my life I'm pretty sure that I would not be writing this right now...I would probably be extremely depressed, on the verge of an eating disorder, and a number of other things that my distressed heart wanted to turn to. But they constantly remind me to turn to Jesus and let Him take care of me.
I am not to where I want to be in my self-worth or self-esteem, there are many days that I feel worthless and don't want to look in the mirror because I know that all I am going to see are flaws. But I know that brighter days are ahead. God has pulled me through this much and He's not going to stop now.
The turning point for me was when I bought a book called "His Treasure" by Sheri Rose Shepherd, on one of the first pages is the verse Deuteronomy 14:2 "Out of all of the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession." Just think about that for a moment..."the Lord has chosen YOU to be his TREASURED POSSESSION."
If you are struggling with your self-image or self-worth you are not alone and you are loved by the God of the universe. I know that it's hard for you to see but you are a treasured possession in the eyes of God. This blog is going to be dedicated to finding worth in Jesus Christ. This is a journey that I am going through and I would love for you to go through it with me, it's going to be tough but together and with the strength of God we will get through it and one day we will believe that we are Jesus' most treasured possession without a shadow of a doubt...and I so look forward to that.
I'm going to end with a few pieces of a prayer that I wrote in my journal. A prayer to start this journey of finding beauty and worth. If your heart is breaking feel free to use this prayer if you can't find the words to cry out to God, I know that I go back to this prayer over and over again.
" Lord, I spend all my time fighting these endless battles and I fight back tears but I can't do it anymore. God, I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to fight. If I keep fighting, I will lose. You know that and now so do I. Now I'm surrendering. I'm telling you I can't because I know that You can. I need you to carry me through this and calm the storms otherwise I'm going to drown...I'm giving you my life, Jesus, it is shattered, but I believe that You will make it new again...I have determination to become the woman that you created me to be, no matter how long it takes to see my beauty and worth. Thank you for loving me even when I am very unlovable. Thank you for dying on the cross for me, all because you love me. Amen."
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