Continuing the Journey
This time last year B and I were talking about dating for the second time that summer (the full story can be found in my first post, "The Start of A Journey" from April). Actually at the youth group's Six Flags trip I was texting him and flirting and talking about dating the entire trip. I was very sneaky about it so none of my friends saw, I knew they would disapprove. It's funny how much can change in the span of a year.
I wanted to post an update about what happened with this whole B situation, sort of like a sequel to "The Start of A Journey." Like I said in my first post, this is so that at least one person who could be going through a similar situation can be helped. This is by far the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with in my entire life, and I can't be the only person on the face of the earth to go through this. So if you are reading this and you have had someone blame a porn addiction (or something else out of your control) on you, you are not alone and there is hope that one day you won't feel as awful as you do right now. I know this because I am finally starting to heal, but it has been a very long hard road.
A few months after the original text that B sent me, blaming me for his addiction to porn, he texted me again out of no where asking if we could talk about the situation. It was a Monday night in the winter, I came home from work and went to sing for worship at the Bridge. I told my best guy friend (who knew everything that had happened before) and after the Bridge we talked for probably 3 hours and I bawled my eyes out. I really don't remember anything that was said that night but I remember hating myself for crying in front of him and I felt a lot better knowing that I had told someone exactly how I was feeling about what was happening. I am the type of person that if I don't talk about what happened with the person the conflict is with, I just can't get over it. There were so many unanswered questions, and trying to figure out those answers on my own without talking to B wasn't working. So I told him we could talk, but we couldn't be completely alone. I didn't want to tell him but I really don't feel safe being alone with him like I used to.
A few months ago we finally sat down and talked about what happened. I wish that I could say I felt so much better with all of my questions answered but I didn't...I don't. Because the answers I got confirmed my fears. Instead of just assuming he had looked at porn in the same time period as he was telling me how much he loved me...I get to know for sure...and I didn't realize how huge of a difference assuming and knowing was. Its like someone took a knife that was already stuck in me and dug it as deep as they could. He told me that he didn't mean to blame me for his porn addiction then reexplained it in a way that still made it seem to be my fault. And then probably worst of all was when he said "You know, if it weren't for your anxiety we would be together right now."
Yes the reason we are not together is totally and completely my fault...completely...it has nothing to do with the fact that B was looking at porn while telling me he loved me, at least in his mind that's how the story goes. In one sentence I went from finally being recognized by him as the victim in our conflict to being the bad guy once again.
Earlier in the conversation I told him maybe we could try and be friends but after he left and I allowed myself to feel the weight of the pain that he had made fresh I realized just how destructive it is for us to be friends. The entire meeting he kept trying to tell me how wonderful I was and how pretty and how he will never stop liking me and telling me all the things he likes about me and I was so close to being sucked in. But something held me back and it had to be God saving me from that destruction. He didn't save me from all of the heartbreak but He did save me from wrapping my self-worth in B once again.
But the heartbreak started all over again, back to step 1. And back to step 2 with my self-worth, but hey, at least I didn't feel worthless. I cried myself to sleep several times over B.
I was reading When God Writes Your Love Story one day when I was hurting so much and I realized that I needed to get over this because the longer I dwell on the pain and heartache over how much I loved B and how much he had hurt me, the more I was hurting my future husband, the more baggage that I would be bringing into my relationship with him. I do not look forward to the day that I have to explain to my future husband why I have so many trust issues in our relationship, why I am horrible at taking compliments, and other issues that may come up as a result of this. But if he truly is the right guy, he will love me despite all my baggage. And then I started to heal.
It still hurts sometimes, especially if B is around or texts me, but God has been faithful through all of the heartache. He's comforted me with truths found in His word, He's given me the most amazing friends (who would listen to me for hours and let me cry if I still needed to, despite the fact that they've been hearing about this for almost a year now), and He has given me a purpose and a way to deal with this pain. Fourteen Two is the best thing that could have happened. I texted one of my guy friend (the same one from earlier) and said "I need you to pray that I find a purpose in this because I am so frustrated." He said he would and I prayed too, I think it went something like, "God, You need to give me a purpose because I am going insane not knowing why I am going through this! Everything has a purpose, I know, and I need to have a purpose right now!" I literally yelled this prayer to God, just to make sure that He heard it (and maybe because I was angry). I pulled out a journal and started doodling, I thought about the verse Deuteronomy 14:2 that I had read a few days before and wrote out Fourteen Two on the page. As I stared at it I thought about how much I missed writing and then it hit me. "I'm gonna write a blog about self-worth and call it Fourteen Two," I typed "The Start of A Journey" that night, and here we are 7 posts and 600 views (at the time of writing this) later. God is FAITHFUL! I never imagined Fourteen Two would be this big and that is how I know that this blog is totally in God's plan for my life because on my own 600 views isn't possible.
On the self-worth front I am doing better most days, there are still days where something will come up and I will feel like I'm not worth much but I pray, talk to friends, and get in the Word and usually after all that my mind changes. Self-image is another story. It is super difficult to always see myself as pretty, I'm brainstorming ideas on what I can do to help myself think positively. My most recent hair color change isn't really helping, it's this in between brown and blonde color and it's just not working for me. So hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to dye my hair and be back to my natural blonde self, maybe that will help some. I'm trying to find different Bible verses to write on my mirror so if you have an idea for me please post it in the comments!
Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading my post and has supported me through the ups and downs of this past year. I hope you all continue to read and share this blog with other people who may need it. I love each and every one of you!
I wanted to post an update about what happened with this whole B situation, sort of like a sequel to "The Start of A Journey." Like I said in my first post, this is so that at least one person who could be going through a similar situation can be helped. This is by far the most difficult situation I have ever dealt with in my entire life, and I can't be the only person on the face of the earth to go through this. So if you are reading this and you have had someone blame a porn addiction (or something else out of your control) on you, you are not alone and there is hope that one day you won't feel as awful as you do right now. I know this because I am finally starting to heal, but it has been a very long hard road.
A few months after the original text that B sent me, blaming me for his addiction to porn, he texted me again out of no where asking if we could talk about the situation. It was a Monday night in the winter, I came home from work and went to sing for worship at the Bridge. I told my best guy friend (who knew everything that had happened before) and after the Bridge we talked for probably 3 hours and I bawled my eyes out. I really don't remember anything that was said that night but I remember hating myself for crying in front of him and I felt a lot better knowing that I had told someone exactly how I was feeling about what was happening. I am the type of person that if I don't talk about what happened with the person the conflict is with, I just can't get over it. There were so many unanswered questions, and trying to figure out those answers on my own without talking to B wasn't working. So I told him we could talk, but we couldn't be completely alone. I didn't want to tell him but I really don't feel safe being alone with him like I used to.
A few months ago we finally sat down and talked about what happened. I wish that I could say I felt so much better with all of my questions answered but I didn't...I don't. Because the answers I got confirmed my fears. Instead of just assuming he had looked at porn in the same time period as he was telling me how much he loved me...I get to know for sure...and I didn't realize how huge of a difference assuming and knowing was. Its like someone took a knife that was already stuck in me and dug it as deep as they could. He told me that he didn't mean to blame me for his porn addiction then reexplained it in a way that still made it seem to be my fault. And then probably worst of all was when he said "You know, if it weren't for your anxiety we would be together right now."
Yes the reason we are not together is totally and completely my fault...completely...it has nothing to do with the fact that B was looking at porn while telling me he loved me, at least in his mind that's how the story goes. In one sentence I went from finally being recognized by him as the victim in our conflict to being the bad guy once again.
Earlier in the conversation I told him maybe we could try and be friends but after he left and I allowed myself to feel the weight of the pain that he had made fresh I realized just how destructive it is for us to be friends. The entire meeting he kept trying to tell me how wonderful I was and how pretty and how he will never stop liking me and telling me all the things he likes about me and I was so close to being sucked in. But something held me back and it had to be God saving me from that destruction. He didn't save me from all of the heartbreak but He did save me from wrapping my self-worth in B once again.
But the heartbreak started all over again, back to step 1. And back to step 2 with my self-worth, but hey, at least I didn't feel worthless. I cried myself to sleep several times over B.
I was reading When God Writes Your Love Story one day when I was hurting so much and I realized that I needed to get over this because the longer I dwell on the pain and heartache over how much I loved B and how much he had hurt me, the more I was hurting my future husband, the more baggage that I would be bringing into my relationship with him. I do not look forward to the day that I have to explain to my future husband why I have so many trust issues in our relationship, why I am horrible at taking compliments, and other issues that may come up as a result of this. But if he truly is the right guy, he will love me despite all my baggage. And then I started to heal.
It still hurts sometimes, especially if B is around or texts me, but God has been faithful through all of the heartache. He's comforted me with truths found in His word, He's given me the most amazing friends (who would listen to me for hours and let me cry if I still needed to, despite the fact that they've been hearing about this for almost a year now), and He has given me a purpose and a way to deal with this pain. Fourteen Two is the best thing that could have happened. I texted one of my guy friend (the same one from earlier) and said "I need you to pray that I find a purpose in this because I am so frustrated." He said he would and I prayed too, I think it went something like, "God, You need to give me a purpose because I am going insane not knowing why I am going through this! Everything has a purpose, I know, and I need to have a purpose right now!" I literally yelled this prayer to God, just to make sure that He heard it (and maybe because I was angry). I pulled out a journal and started doodling, I thought about the verse Deuteronomy 14:2 that I had read a few days before and wrote out Fourteen Two on the page. As I stared at it I thought about how much I missed writing and then it hit me. "I'm gonna write a blog about self-worth and call it Fourteen Two," I typed "The Start of A Journey" that night, and here we are 7 posts and 600 views (at the time of writing this) later. God is FAITHFUL! I never imagined Fourteen Two would be this big and that is how I know that this blog is totally in God's plan for my life because on my own 600 views isn't possible.
On the self-worth front I am doing better most days, there are still days where something will come up and I will feel like I'm not worth much but I pray, talk to friends, and get in the Word and usually after all that my mind changes. Self-image is another story. It is super difficult to always see myself as pretty, I'm brainstorming ideas on what I can do to help myself think positively. My most recent hair color change isn't really helping, it's this in between brown and blonde color and it's just not working for me. So hopefully in a few weeks I will be able to dye my hair and be back to my natural blonde self, maybe that will help some. I'm trying to find different Bible verses to write on my mirror so if you have an idea for me please post it in the comments!
Thank you so much to everyone who has been reading my post and has supported me through the ups and downs of this past year. I hope you all continue to read and share this blog with other people who may need it. I love each and every one of you!
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