The Storms of Life
This summer I set out to write more often but I've been avoiding it. I like to write honestly and be vulnerable; I never want to be putting on a show of perfection for Fourteen Two because I feel like that completely defeats its purpose. In the spirit of honesty and vulnerability, I knew that the first thing I would need to write about was my break-up and how I handled, and failed to handle, it. So I've been avoiding writing this because any time that I put something on paper it makes it tangible and real; things that were once black and white and blurry all of a sudden become vibrant and in full color once the pen hits the page. But now that I am almost 6 months into this new season of my life I think it's time to let the walls come down.
I've titled this piece The Storms of Life because my first semester at Moody was just that, a storm. In the beginning was the calm, things were great in my relationship and I was finally getting to follow the Lord's calling on my life and go to Moody Bible Institute. The anxiety started to set in when my parents, my best friend, and boyfriend left me all alone in this unfamiliar place, but after settling in I felt confident that this semester would be great. And for the first few weeks it was! I made amazing friends and met the girl who would be one of my biggest supports and my future roommate. Liz and I immediately bonded over our love for coffee, a common ministry goal, being transfer students, and the fact that we both were in long distance relationships that were hopefully heading toward marriage. She had been long distance with her boyfriend for almost 2 years so I really looked up to her for advice on how to handle this new situation I was in.
Unfortunately, less than one month into school lack of communication took a huge toll on my relationship. It quickly turned from "let's try to work this out because I love you" to "I think it will be better if we just break up, this isn't fair to you." I felt blindsided and just sat in my dorm and cried. Liz came and found me because I didn't show up to a floor event I said I would go to. And suddenly I was crying all over this girl who I'd barely known for 3 weeks. She just hugged me and let me cry and she prayed over me. This moment will be forever etched into my mind because even though my heart was so broken I also felt so loved and she truly showed me who Jesus is. I knew that while I was in Liz's arms, I was also being held in the loving arms of my Father. After I was finished crying I went to bed and skipped all of my classes the next day, I just couldn't bring myself to be around people. I sat in bed crying, thinking about every reason why this break up was all my fault, then why it was all his fault, and then I realized that it was both of us so I wondered how we had let it get to this point. And if we really loved each other like we said we did, why weren't we fighting to stay together? I knew that this line of thinking was unhelpful and probably unhealthy but also normal. I allowed myself to feel the full weight of every emotion that this pain would bring. And what I found was that although I was completely heartbroken I was not shattered the way that B had shattered me. I was deeply hurting because the man that I imagined spending the rest of my life with was suddenly gone. But my self-worth was in tact and I had hope. I never once thought that our break up was caused by me not measuring up and being good enough for him. Our break up really came down to timing and the fact that we both needed different things and it just wasn't working.
Moving on was something that I was not ready for, I was holding onto hope that we could get back together. I knew it was unrealistic but it dulled the pain enough for me to be able to focus on other things. I spent a lot of time crying and talking to Liz about all the great things that happened in the past year with him. I cried over the phone with Treasure as she was all the way in Italy, I can't count how many times I said, "I wish he would have waited until you got home. I shouldn't have to go through this break up without my best friend."
And through all of the crying I learned many important things. First of all, I have people who truly care about me. My family and friends gave me lots of hugs when I was home for the weekend right after it happened. Treasure texted me every chance she got to let me know that she loved me, was praying for me, and that things would get better. And then I had Liz who put up with me through it all and handled my whining and reminiscing with grace that I don't know if I could have had with someone else. I also had other Moody friends who supported me and prayed for me. Secondly, I learned that I'm really okay with being single. I didn't really miss the boyfriend-girlfriend aspect of our relationship as much as I missed having him there to hang out with me, make me laugh, and calm me down when I was anxious. Those are all things that I can find in friendship, and I have had a blast hanging out with my girls! Especially when we are ditching homework to explore the city!
The most important thing that I have learned is true honesty in prayer. I've always felt like I needed to make God think that I was okay with His changes in my plans so I would pretend to be okay with it when I prayed. But silly me, God knows the depths of my heart and knows when I am half-heartedly praying "I'm okay with you taking this away," so why am I lying to Him? While reading the Psalms I realized that the Psalmists are very honest with the Lord. They ask Him "why?" and "how long?" and "have You forgotten me?" phrases that I have never dared to say in fear of being sinful. But really, I think it grieves the Spirit in us more for us to lie to Him through our teeth than to ask Him why His plans are His plans. I have found so much freedom and peace in saying, "Lord, I don't get it! I prayed and prayed about if this relationship was good and I felt peace that he would be the man I'd marry. But now all of a sudden You are taking that away? I don't understand and I wish You hadn't taken this away. But Lord I also know that You love me and know what's best for me. Even though I don't understand I am choosing to trust that You know what You're doing." It took me a while to say that I trusted that He knew what He was doing and I may or may not have said "P.S. Don't mess up my life please," a few times.
The Lord has honored my honesty. And while I still don't really understand why I had to go through such immense heartbreak, I do have a glimpse of its purpose. He needed me to know that I am strong when He is in it. If it hadn't been for this new found strength I wouldn't have changed my major to Pastoral Studies and believed that this vision of ministry that I have is obtainable.
I don't think that I should be the poster child for how to handle a break up, I've made many mistakes. (Like having Liz pretend to have a crisis so I could get out of going to see a movie with a guy because it sounded too much like a date. That crisis was that it was free cone day at Ben & Jerry's.) But because of this storm, I can honestly sing the song Love Came Down "when the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe," because now I've done it in practice. I've let it go and have allowed God to heal me these past 6 months and now I am ready to move forward in the direction that He would have me go. I'm not sure what is in front of me, besides another semester of school, but I know that His plans are better than the ones that I had for myself.
"How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?...But I trust in Your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6
P.S. This is not an attempt to bash my ex-boyfriend at all. I have no hard feelings or anger toward him, and I feel that he made a mature decision that I was not willing to make at the time. This break up was difficult for both of us but ultimately it was best for the both of us.
I've titled this piece The Storms of Life because my first semester at Moody was just that, a storm. In the beginning was the calm, things were great in my relationship and I was finally getting to follow the Lord's calling on my life and go to Moody Bible Institute. The anxiety started to set in when my parents, my best friend, and boyfriend left me all alone in this unfamiliar place, but after settling in I felt confident that this semester would be great. And for the first few weeks it was! I made amazing friends and met the girl who would be one of my biggest supports and my future roommate. Liz and I immediately bonded over our love for coffee, a common ministry goal, being transfer students, and the fact that we both were in long distance relationships that were hopefully heading toward marriage. She had been long distance with her boyfriend for almost 2 years so I really looked up to her for advice on how to handle this new situation I was in.
Unfortunately, less than one month into school lack of communication took a huge toll on my relationship. It quickly turned from "let's try to work this out because I love you" to "I think it will be better if we just break up, this isn't fair to you." I felt blindsided and just sat in my dorm and cried. Liz came and found me because I didn't show up to a floor event I said I would go to. And suddenly I was crying all over this girl who I'd barely known for 3 weeks. She just hugged me and let me cry and she prayed over me. This moment will be forever etched into my mind because even though my heart was so broken I also felt so loved and she truly showed me who Jesus is. I knew that while I was in Liz's arms, I was also being held in the loving arms of my Father. After I was finished crying I went to bed and skipped all of my classes the next day, I just couldn't bring myself to be around people. I sat in bed crying, thinking about every reason why this break up was all my fault, then why it was all his fault, and then I realized that it was both of us so I wondered how we had let it get to this point. And if we really loved each other like we said we did, why weren't we fighting to stay together? I knew that this line of thinking was unhelpful and probably unhealthy but also normal. I allowed myself to feel the full weight of every emotion that this pain would bring. And what I found was that although I was completely heartbroken I was not shattered the way that B had shattered me. I was deeply hurting because the man that I imagined spending the rest of my life with was suddenly gone. But my self-worth was in tact and I had hope. I never once thought that our break up was caused by me not measuring up and being good enough for him. Our break up really came down to timing and the fact that we both needed different things and it just wasn't working.
Moving on was something that I was not ready for, I was holding onto hope that we could get back together. I knew it was unrealistic but it dulled the pain enough for me to be able to focus on other things. I spent a lot of time crying and talking to Liz about all the great things that happened in the past year with him. I cried over the phone with Treasure as she was all the way in Italy, I can't count how many times I said, "I wish he would have waited until you got home. I shouldn't have to go through this break up without my best friend."
And through all of the crying I learned many important things. First of all, I have people who truly care about me. My family and friends gave me lots of hugs when I was home for the weekend right after it happened. Treasure texted me every chance she got to let me know that she loved me, was praying for me, and that things would get better. And then I had Liz who put up with me through it all and handled my whining and reminiscing with grace that I don't know if I could have had with someone else. I also had other Moody friends who supported me and prayed for me. Secondly, I learned that I'm really okay with being single. I didn't really miss the boyfriend-girlfriend aspect of our relationship as much as I missed having him there to hang out with me, make me laugh, and calm me down when I was anxious. Those are all things that I can find in friendship, and I have had a blast hanging out with my girls! Especially when we are ditching homework to explore the city!
The most important thing that I have learned is true honesty in prayer. I've always felt like I needed to make God think that I was okay with His changes in my plans so I would pretend to be okay with it when I prayed. But silly me, God knows the depths of my heart and knows when I am half-heartedly praying "I'm okay with you taking this away," so why am I lying to Him? While reading the Psalms I realized that the Psalmists are very honest with the Lord. They ask Him "why?" and "how long?" and "have You forgotten me?" phrases that I have never dared to say in fear of being sinful. But really, I think it grieves the Spirit in us more for us to lie to Him through our teeth than to ask Him why His plans are His plans. I have found so much freedom and peace in saying, "Lord, I don't get it! I prayed and prayed about if this relationship was good and I felt peace that he would be the man I'd marry. But now all of a sudden You are taking that away? I don't understand and I wish You hadn't taken this away. But Lord I also know that You love me and know what's best for me. Even though I don't understand I am choosing to trust that You know what You're doing." It took me a while to say that I trusted that He knew what He was doing and I may or may not have said "P.S. Don't mess up my life please," a few times.
The Lord has honored my honesty. And while I still don't really understand why I had to go through such immense heartbreak, I do have a glimpse of its purpose. He needed me to know that I am strong when He is in it. If it hadn't been for this new found strength I wouldn't have changed my major to Pastoral Studies and believed that this vision of ministry that I have is obtainable.
I don't think that I should be the poster child for how to handle a break up, I've made many mistakes. (Like having Liz pretend to have a crisis so I could get out of going to see a movie with a guy because it sounded too much like a date. That crisis was that it was free cone day at Ben & Jerry's.) But because of this storm, I can honestly sing the song Love Came Down "when the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe," because now I've done it in practice. I've let it go and have allowed God to heal me these past 6 months and now I am ready to move forward in the direction that He would have me go. I'm not sure what is in front of me, besides another semester of school, but I know that His plans are better than the ones that I had for myself.
"How long, Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?...But I trust in Your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing the Lord's praise for He has been good to me." Psalm 13:1-2, 5-6
P.S. This is not an attempt to bash my ex-boyfriend at all. I have no hard feelings or anger toward him, and I feel that he made a mature decision that I was not willing to make at the time. This break up was difficult for both of us but ultimately it was best for the both of us.
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