Boasting in Weakness
This semester I have had to make some very painful decisions but the lessons that the Lord is teaching me are ones that I will not forget.
I have made the decision to continue my education through Moody Distance Learning and will be moving home on May 8th and will have my last day of work in the Academic Records Department on May 12th. I will graduate in December 2019 with my BS in Ministry Leadership with Women's Ministry Emphasis, which is basically the online version of my current BA in Ministry to Women Interdisciplinary (Pastoral Studies) degree. Every time I have told someone this decision I am met with a "Wait! Really? But I thought you loved Moody." And the answer is yes, I do love Moody, however, for several years I have neglected my mental health and it has caught up to me.
In my two years at Moody, I have struggled deeply with anxiety, which was not new to me, but the intensity was. I would start out the semesters with so much fear of failure that I would be weeks ahead on assignments but then exhaustion would set in and by the end of the semester, I would be so far behind that I would barely be able to catch up or I would just decide not to turn in assignments. Last semester I was experiencing 8-10 panic attacks per week and was unable to finish final projects for 2 of my 4 classes resulting in a less than stellar GPA. As a perfectionist, this kills me. And as a recovering perfectionist, I realized that I desperately need help and that this cannot go on.
So over Christmas break, I talked to my doctor and started on anti-anxiety medication. Anyone who has had experience with mind-altering medications knows this is a rollercoaster of a process. First, it feels like nothing is changing and then you start to feel good and get very optimistic that this is the one that will help you. AAAND then the side effects hit you like a semi-truck. For me, this meant bawling for 3+ hours several times per week for absolutely no reason (this was when I was 2.5 weeks ahead on my work), panic attacks in the middle of the night (what could I possibly panic about while sleeping), and depression that made my whole body hurt and made it nearly impossible to get out of bed.
As it turns out, anxiety isn't my only issue. The first medication almost completely took away my anxiety which is when I started to get depressed which only worsened the longer my anxiety stayed away. After calling my doctor, terrified that this medication was causing me to become depressed, she said that typically the dosage that she had me on was enough to counteract existing anxiety, but not existing depression. So then Clinical Depression was added to my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The medication rollercoaster continued for the next few months but I'm pretty certain that the medications I am on now are becoming increasingly more effective, which is such a blessing! However, side effects of lack of concentration are still an issue that needs to be dealt with. I have hardly been able to complete anything all semster because of this side effect, and it is super discouraging. But the Lord has been working.
As I struggled through this medication rollercoaster, I decided to talk to my Resident Supervisor to seek her wisdom. From that conversation, I realized that I needed to drop a class to bring me down to 13 credit hours and that I needed to determine who my support group was. Through lots of prayer, I realized that my biggest support group who knew and understood what I was going through was not found at Moody but at home. It was at that point that I began praying about going home. I initially begged my mom to let me drop out of the semester and begin with MDL next semester but she wanted me to push through, so I have been.
Things began to fall into place for me to come home. First, I found out that my Federal Financial Aid package would cover the full cost of my MDL tuition with the exception of one summer class! This is a blessing as I have been taking out extra private loans to be able to attend MBI Chicago and the thought of having to pay all of that back makes me very anxious. Then, my brother was making progress toward starting his career in the Army, meaning that there would be an empty room in our house for me to have instead of one of us having to sleep in the basement and sharing a closet and dresser like we have been all year. Finally, most of my MBI credits transferred plus I had additional credits from Waubonsee Community College transfer to my MDL degree leaving me with only 1.5 years left for my degree. Even though I will be in school for an extra semester it is still considerably cheaper for me to finish online.
These important considerations falling into place gave me confirmation that the Lord was opening the door for me to move home and I turned in my change of program form just before Spring Break.
This was heartbreaking, knowing that I would be leaving my home on Houghton Six North, leaving my friends, distance from my the Chicago church that has become my home away from home, and the loss of being in class with some of the most amazing professors that I could be taking in my senior year.
But it was also hopeful. I will be able to be closer to my doctor in order to make any necessary medication changes. I will be able to start going to counseling, which I have needed to do for a very long time, to be able to work through the issues I've never dealt with and the ones that have arisen in the last few years as I have struggled to cope with my anxiety and depression on my own. I will be with my family and some of my closest friends on a daily basis for support and it will be a time of rest. My online classes are more flexible so I will be able to work some more hours and be able to pay more for my student loans so that I can go into ministry sooner. And, praise the Lord, I will still be able to remain fairly involved at Chicago Gospel Fellowship despite no longer living in the city!
And in all of this struggle, the Lord has been far from silent. He has shouted encouragement at me through His Word, through my professors who continue to be so gracious toward me this semester, and my friends. He has caused joy in the sadness. He has caused me to be able to worship in a sweeter way as I have come to know His kindness in a more intimate way than before. In my weakness, He has been strong and I will boast in my weakness because it is for His glory. I have never been so glad to be so completely incapable of accomplishing anything because it forces me to lean on Him more and more. Praise be to God forever and ever.
I have made the decision to continue my education through Moody Distance Learning and will be moving home on May 8th and will have my last day of work in the Academic Records Department on May 12th. I will graduate in December 2019 with my BS in Ministry Leadership with Women's Ministry Emphasis, which is basically the online version of my current BA in Ministry to Women Interdisciplinary (Pastoral Studies) degree. Every time I have told someone this decision I am met with a "Wait! Really? But I thought you loved Moody." And the answer is yes, I do love Moody, however, for several years I have neglected my mental health and it has caught up to me.
In my two years at Moody, I have struggled deeply with anxiety, which was not new to me, but the intensity was. I would start out the semesters with so much fear of failure that I would be weeks ahead on assignments but then exhaustion would set in and by the end of the semester, I would be so far behind that I would barely be able to catch up or I would just decide not to turn in assignments. Last semester I was experiencing 8-10 panic attacks per week and was unable to finish final projects for 2 of my 4 classes resulting in a less than stellar GPA. As a perfectionist, this kills me. And as a recovering perfectionist, I realized that I desperately need help and that this cannot go on.
So over Christmas break, I talked to my doctor and started on anti-anxiety medication. Anyone who has had experience with mind-altering medications knows this is a rollercoaster of a process. First, it feels like nothing is changing and then you start to feel good and get very optimistic that this is the one that will help you. AAAND then the side effects hit you like a semi-truck. For me, this meant bawling for 3+ hours several times per week for absolutely no reason (this was when I was 2.5 weeks ahead on my work), panic attacks in the middle of the night (what could I possibly panic about while sleeping), and depression that made my whole body hurt and made it nearly impossible to get out of bed.
As it turns out, anxiety isn't my only issue. The first medication almost completely took away my anxiety which is when I started to get depressed which only worsened the longer my anxiety stayed away. After calling my doctor, terrified that this medication was causing me to become depressed, she said that typically the dosage that she had me on was enough to counteract existing anxiety, but not existing depression. So then Clinical Depression was added to my diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The medication rollercoaster continued for the next few months but I'm pretty certain that the medications I am on now are becoming increasingly more effective, which is such a blessing! However, side effects of lack of concentration are still an issue that needs to be dealt with. I have hardly been able to complete anything all semster because of this side effect, and it is super discouraging. But the Lord has been working.
As I struggled through this medication rollercoaster, I decided to talk to my Resident Supervisor to seek her wisdom. From that conversation, I realized that I needed to drop a class to bring me down to 13 credit hours and that I needed to determine who my support group was. Through lots of prayer, I realized that my biggest support group who knew and understood what I was going through was not found at Moody but at home. It was at that point that I began praying about going home. I initially begged my mom to let me drop out of the semester and begin with MDL next semester but she wanted me to push through, so I have been.
Things began to fall into place for me to come home. First, I found out that my Federal Financial Aid package would cover the full cost of my MDL tuition with the exception of one summer class! This is a blessing as I have been taking out extra private loans to be able to attend MBI Chicago and the thought of having to pay all of that back makes me very anxious. Then, my brother was making progress toward starting his career in the Army, meaning that there would be an empty room in our house for me to have instead of one of us having to sleep in the basement and sharing a closet and dresser like we have been all year. Finally, most of my MBI credits transferred plus I had additional credits from Waubonsee Community College transfer to my MDL degree leaving me with only 1.5 years left for my degree. Even though I will be in school for an extra semester it is still considerably cheaper for me to finish online.
These important considerations falling into place gave me confirmation that the Lord was opening the door for me to move home and I turned in my change of program form just before Spring Break.
This was heartbreaking, knowing that I would be leaving my home on Houghton Six North, leaving my friends, distance from my the Chicago church that has become my home away from home, and the loss of being in class with some of the most amazing professors that I could be taking in my senior year.
But it was also hopeful. I will be able to be closer to my doctor in order to make any necessary medication changes. I will be able to start going to counseling, which I have needed to do for a very long time, to be able to work through the issues I've never dealt with and the ones that have arisen in the last few years as I have struggled to cope with my anxiety and depression on my own. I will be with my family and some of my closest friends on a daily basis for support and it will be a time of rest. My online classes are more flexible so I will be able to work some more hours and be able to pay more for my student loans so that I can go into ministry sooner. And, praise the Lord, I will still be able to remain fairly involved at Chicago Gospel Fellowship despite no longer living in the city!
And in all of this struggle, the Lord has been far from silent. He has shouted encouragement at me through His Word, through my professors who continue to be so gracious toward me this semester, and my friends. He has caused joy in the sadness. He has caused me to be able to worship in a sweeter way as I have come to know His kindness in a more intimate way than before. In my weakness, He has been strong and I will boast in my weakness because it is for His glory. I have never been so glad to be so completely incapable of accomplishing anything because it forces me to lean on Him more and more. Praise be to God forever and ever.
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